TRIGGER.

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a cg of 17 & 18 year old youths from WEFC Youth POD!

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Sunday, March 8, 2009 @ 12:20 PM

Hey.

Just for anyone who doesn't know yet, I left cg yesterday, and pretty much (for now, at least) renounced my faith. Didn't eat bread or ribena at service either, didn't sing.

Its not really so much that I don't believe in God, to be honest. Its more like I don't really know how to love God like this.

There have been some questions on my mind for a long time that I've been putting off because I was...occupied. And these questions...it really takes knowing certain things that most of you don't in order to realize, and feel indignant about the system of how Christianity works.

If I'm to be completely honest as I have been already...it takes a lot to declare in front of a whole church of Christians that you really doubt your faith-than yeah, the truth is that if someone could actually decently come up with a reason as to why God operates the way he does.

Keith said 'an idle mind is the devil's workshop', but that's really not what's going on with me right now.

Or you could say that its this world at fault and not God? The God we love is supposed to be perfect and just. Someone told me that he lived by the principle that God wasn't fair, which really shocked me, because while it didn't really help me, it gave me something to think about.

I dont know how you guys know how to react to this.

Some of you have already been defensive. Particularly people I thought would be mature enough not to take anger at this kind of thing, to have the audacity to demand an answer from me. Caleb once said that cg leaders aren't more perfect, they're more broken, hence they can teach for experience and guide us away from what they're had the misfortune to go through. And while I don't always believe that they're 'more' broken, the truth is-we're all damaged goods. At least to those of you who really can't stand to even look at me, then tough luck because if that's what being a Christian is, than I'm amused at how similar it is to the way the world operates.

For those of you who have been indifferent, I'm going to take it that you either can't figure out what to say to me or you just don't care. Adeline once said that when someone part of the body is hurting, we should all be hurting. I think most of you know what I'm referring to. But for me...well I don't pretend to understand if I can't. Maybe once I used to be able to understand...but I can't now, so do you will.

Those who are just surprised...well some of you who knew me back in the day know that while I haven't always been the most serious Christian, I was baptized, and I was pretty confident, pretty determined to save people. To save anyone and everyone, to be precise. And I still believe that. When we were mock tortured in youth camp, I didn't renounce my faith then (though I'm pretty sure no one did, since everyone knew it wasn't actually real despite the whole eating crap thing.) because even at this point I believe in Christianity. I believe in a relationship with God and that he died to save us, but right now, it doesn't mean I'm happy with him, his system, and I am struggling to love him. I really struggle to love him.

See, I would die for what I believe in. I believe that God really did want to save all of us. I believe that God exists, that he does love me (otherwise it would be much harder to grasp the idea that he even exists), that you know, we're chosen and all that. That we're meant to go out and save people by his name. And I'd rather die than renounce the things that I believe in-I really would.

But at the same time, I believe that people who are more moral than you and I shouldn't be born destined to go to hell regardless of what we do in this time. I believe that the term 'free will' is false and its not something I can respect. Because really, what idiot wants to go to hell? Its not a choice. And maybe I'd rather go to hell than see people that I care about end up there, but what good would that do?

Do I resent God for it?
...yeah.

Some of you might take offense, or become more argumentative about proving your point.

Its not that I'm not open minded. Trust me, I'm more open minded about many things than some of you might think (especially keith, lols.). Its really that if you're going to argue, than say it logically. Think about it, come up with decent points and don't get upset if something I say contradicts what you say. Because I'm not unreasonable, and I WANT to go back to church withh my head held up high and declaring I'm a Christian, but how could I possibly do that with doubt in my heart?

Because there's going to be a point of time where YOU become old enough to question yourself. Maybe you already have. Maybe you won't be so in doubt or crushed by the reality of this lack or loss of faith as I havem but you will doubt God, because we're not perfect. We're not able to love unconditionally.

But we're trying.

And I guess what I really want to say, in the midst of this is that I'm sorry. For anyone who feels I let them down. I don't think any of you were looking at me as a spiritual leader or anything. Maybe a basketball leader, but not a spiritual leader. But just in case you were, I really apologize. I backslided, I guess. But well. I'm definetely damaged goods, and you won't see me denying it.

I...really want to be forgiven.

...but how do you love God when you're like this?

Luke

TRIGGER(: wrote.